Actions and Reactions

Isaac Newton taught us this law of nature centuries ago. And while it is true in physics, it is also true in interpersonal relationships.

An action is easy to describe – but what is a re-action? Taken literally, it means, “to act again.”

Humans learn by watching for emotional reactions in others. When a small child falls, often she will look to her mother before she even cries. If her mother shouts loudly and causes a scene, the child will respond with a wail. But if her mother is calm, she will be able to stay more calm.

We do this intuitively throughout our lives – we watch for reactions in others to find out how others feel about us. As we each deeply want acceptance, we interpret acceptance through the body language we read in each other. We perform an action, then we watch to see how others will re-act to it. Did they laugh? Did they turn away? Were they indifferent? We hunger for the right reactions from certain people, and use them to measure ourselves.

When we move to a new city or get a new job, we must learn the unwritten rules of that group that shapes how people may react to you. Those that navigate others’ reactions most skillfully have the most social capital that can lead to gains in status, respect, and power.

This is why it is so important who you spend time with. You will become like who you spend time with, because others’ reactions are louder than any literal voice you’ll hear. What makes the group excited? What disappoints them? What disgusts them, bores them, or scares them? You will find your emotions mirroring theirs in time. But Paul warns us, “When they compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise” (2 Corinthians 10:12).

If one wants to make change in the group, they must teach the group members to define what has value. When someone believes something is valuable, they will react with excitement or hope when they see it. This “first follower” has the hardest job, because his reaction to what was formerly valued may be different than the rest of the group’s, and he has to intentionally resist conforming. If he begins showing desire for things the group has previously dismissed, they may reject him or even attack him. However, if he is able to stand firm, he can cause a powerful ripple effect as others react to him, imitating his lifestyle, and in so doing, changing their values. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to get to react to Jesus? To really sit across the table from him and let him give you feedback would be so helpful. Jesus, are you proud of me? Are you disappointed in the way I handled that situation? Do you feel sad that I haven’t figured some things out yet? Or are you just happy I’m finally talking to you?

We can hear feedback from God in scripture, which tells us what Jesus likes and doesn’t like. But then we have to do the hard work of applying it to ourselves. We know he wants us to live by faith. But to tease out what that means in my daily life is hard. Am I living by faith? How can I tell? If I say yes, am I just trying to avoid the discomfort of change, or deceiving myself with pride? How can I remove my own voice from my self-evaluation? I just want to look at Jesus and see if he is smiling or frowning.

God might cause or allow suffering in my life. Does this mean he is unhappy with me? Maybe, but maybe when it happens, God is there with me, working through it anyway. When I suffer, others react to me, usually with compassion. And suffering reminds me that I am not in control, and that I shouldn’t love this world too much. Maybe that’s when I really learn what living by faith means.

When I sin, I also suffer. But this time, it’s different. It doesn’t usually produce a reaction of compassion in others. Sin often begets more sin as others respond to it. There are so many choices for sinful reactions to sin. They might retaliate. They might participate. They might show indifference. They might judge me. And my sin has now set off a chain reaction of sin that is hard to stop.

But that’s what Christians are to do. Christians live in the world as sponges, absorbing the shock of the evil chain reaction without passing it on. They don’t condone sin, they don’t fight back. But they don’t judge it either, or ignore it. Instead, they wrap a towel around their waist and begin to wash the sinner’s dirty feet, like Christ. When he first did this, he told us, “I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you” (John 13:15). Only in this act of love and grace can the chain reaction be interrupted, and the sinner is both restored and re-storied. This re-action, while definitely opposite, is certainly not equal. When we imitate Christ, we can be sure that he smiles.